The Mating Game
by lizardwriter
Summary: All Emily wants is some alone time with her gf without Cook stealing her away to go out, so she bargains with him that if she goes out and acts as his wingman, she gets alone time with Naomi.  But how will the night go? Naomi/Emily, Cook/?


**Disclaimer: I don't own Skins or the characters. **

**A/N: The title is from a Bitter:Sweet song by the same name. Written for em_sh over on LJ. Hope you like it!**

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**.**

"You know, I'd really like to actually be able to spend some time with my girlfriend," Emily complained as Naomi and Cook entered the house after yet another expedition that Cook had orchestrated.

"Yous two had loads of time together off on your shag-a-thon holiday. Six months. I'm just trying to spend some time with my favourite girls. You're always welcome to come." Cook shot her a wink.

Emily rolled her eyes.

"Hey, babe," Naomi bent down to give her a kiss, her breath smelling of tequila and smokes.

"Hey," Emily replied, shooting Naomi a quick smile when they broke apart. She could really kiss her endlessly, but having Cook right there watching, ready to make a comment meant that she couldn't.

"Actually, Emilio," Cook continued, jumping over the back of the couch and taking a seat next to Emily, throwing a heavy arm around her shoulders, "I could use a wingman. And you, if I may say so, have very nice taste in women." Cook nodded towards Naomi.

Emily couldn't exactly argue with that, although she could have done without Cook's eyes dragging up her girlfriend's body quite so appreciatively. "If I go out with you tomorrow night, as your wingman, I get Naomi alone two nights next week," Emily bargained.

"If all you're going to be doing is shagging, couldn't I just watch?"

"No. That's my offer. Take it or leave it."

Emily's eyes came up to meet Naomi's as her girlfriend chuckled from the seat she'd taken across the room.

Cook sighed dramatically. "All right, all right. But I've got to get laid or deal's off."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Do you ever not think with your cock?"

Cook pretended to think about that for a second. "Nah. Don't see the point. Sorry, love," he replied with a cheeky grin.

Emily shoved him playfully and shook her head. Tomorrow night was going to be a long night.

.

.

"That one's got mint tits," Cook nodded towards a ditzy looking blonde on the dance floor who was currently backing her arse up into a guy who was definitely not Cook and who had his arms wrapped possessively around her stomach.

"She's taken, Cook," Emily pointed out.

Cook shrugged nonchalantly, shooting the girl in question a wink. "That can change."

"I'm not going to help you steal a girl from someone else," Emily replied definitively.

Cook sighed in an exaggerated manner. "Fine, fine," he muttered, resuming his inspection of the women in the club.

Emily sipped on her alcopop, doing her best to be patient while Cook blatantly eye-fucked half the girls there. Much as she loved Cook, the evening had been a bit trying. When he was searching for a mate, he was not exactly searching for Miss Right; more like Miss Right Now. "Cook, come on!"

"All right, all right, don't get your knickers in a twist!" Cook retorted.

"Hey, you leave my knickers out of tonight," Emily warned.

Cook laughed. "If you insist. Okay, so what about that one," Cook indicated his head in the direction of an attractive brunette with nicely shaped eyes on the dance floor nearby.

Emily watched the girl for a few seconds, then smirked. "Choose again, Cook."

"What? Why?" he demanded.

"She's one of mine, Cook."

Cook's brows furrowed. "What?"

"She plays for my team," Emily rephrased.

"Her? Really?"

"Yep," Emily replied with certainty. When the brunette had spun around and glanced their way, it was her that her eyes had settled on.

"Nah. Get out," Cook shook his head. "How can you be sure?"

"I'm sure."

Cook looked thoughtful for a second. "Let's give it a go anyway."

"What?" Emily scoffed. He couldn't be serious.

"Yeah! I've always wanted to shag a lesbian. And since neither you or Naomi seems apt to give it up-"

Emily slapped Cook hard on the arm, but he simply laughed.

"Come on, Emilio, man, where's the harm in trying?" Cook encouraged.

Emily rolled her eyes. "When this fails, don't say I didn't tell you," she warns, before striding confidently over to the girl in question.

"I was hoping you'd come over," the girl purred in a velvety voice. "I'm Siobhan."

Emily could barely contain her smirk as her suspicions were confirmed. "Emily. And sorry to disappoint, but I'm actually taken."

Siobhan frowned. "Are you sure about that?"

Emily nodded. "Very. Sorry."

Siobhan shrugged. "Can I buy you a drink anyway?"

"I actually came over because my friend wants to buy you a drink," Emily replied, nodding back towards Cook.

Siobhan followed her gaze and let out a small laugh. "Didn't you tell him I'm gay?"

"I tried," Emily confirmed. "It didn't seem to deter him quite as much as I'd hoped."

"Ah," Siobhan nodded knowingly, "one of those who thinks he's got the cure for lesbianism in his pants, then?"

"More or less," Emily conceded, "although he's given up on me and my girlfriend for the most part. I hope, at least. Claims he'd like to shag a lesbian."

"Yeah, sorry, not a chance, love," Siobhan wrinkled her nose in disgust.

Emily laughed softly. "I didn't really think so, but I told him I'd try."

"Sure I can't buy you that drink?" Siobhan tried again.

Emily nodded. "Yeah. Sorry." She started back towards Cook.

Siobhan shrugged wistfully. "Your girlfriend's one lucky girl."

Emily smiled to herself. _No, that's me._

"What're you doing? You left her behind!" Cook accused with furrowed brows.

"She's not interested, Cook," Emily informed him.

"Are you sure? She's looking this way. I think it's a good sign."

Emily glanced back and found Siobhan's eyes still trained on her. "She's checking out my arse, Cook. She's gay."

Cook frowned. "What, so all the fit birds are muff munchers these days?"

Emily laughed. "No, just apparently all the ones you want to sleep with."

"Fine. Find me an attractive straight bird, then. Go on. You pick one out. Make sure she's decent, yeah?"

"What?"

"You know...like up to my standards," Cook elaborated.

"I wasn't aware you had any standards beyond breathing and female," Emily shot back.

"Oi! Ouch!" Cook clutched at his chest dramatically. "That hurt, that did."

Emily rolled her eyes. Did Cook really think she couldn't see him grinning?

"Anyway, you're one to talk! I know you're a tits and arse girl. I've seen how you look at Naomikins."

"Yeah, well, she's fucking hot."

"Exactly. You've got good taste. Pick me out a girl you'd shag if you weren't all loved up by Naomi, then. Make sure she's got big tits, yeah? Ones you can really get your face in, you know?" Cook instructed.

"Cook!" Emily groaned. She loved the boy, but sometimes he was just a little too much.

Cook merely laughed. "Come one, Emilio. Get lookin'."

Emily sighed, but started to once again survey the crowd around them. There was an interesting assortment of people, but none of them especially caught Emily's eye. How could they when she had Naomi to compare them to?

"What about her?" she picked out what she deemed the best looking of the lot, a slender brunette, alone at the bar, with a nice smile and big enough tits she knew Cook wouldn't complain.

Cook took in her choice and beamed. "That's what I'm talking about, Emilio! You go rope her in and I'll come in and close the deal."

Emily rolled her eyes at Cook's unwavering confidence, or maybe it was simply optimism. "What am I even supposed to say?"

"You know, just like, make me sound good or something. Shouldn't be too hard," he winked at her, and Emily resisted the urge to roll her eyes yet again.

Instead of coming up with one of the various reasons why it would be harder than he might think, she made her way over to the girl, ordering herself a pint of cider before smiling at the girl, attempting to come up with the best way to open. "Good song, don't you think?" Emily attempted, and immediately found herself repressing a cringe at how lame it sounded even to her ears.

"Yeah," the girl replied, shooting her a dubious look.

"I'm Emily," Emily tried again, going for a straight introduction.

"Claire," the girl smiled, then glanced around.

_Great start, Ems,_ Emily thought sarcastically to herself. "So what brings you here tonight?"

"My boyfriend, actually. He's just in the loo," Claire explained.

Emily considered the possibility that this was simply a brush off, but when Claire looked around again, and visibly relaxed as a tall, muscular boy with blonde hair made his way towards them, she realised that Claire had been telling the truth. "In that case I won't attempt to set you up with my friend," Emily laughed.

Claire turned to her with a look of surprise. "Is that what you were doing?"

"I was building up to it," Emily defended herself. "It's my first attempt."

Claire grinned back at her. "Your routine needs a bit of work."

Emily laughed again, grabbing the pint of cider the barman had put on the bar for her and paying the man. "Any pointers for the next time, then?"

"Maybe open with your name and that you've got a friend who finds me cute or something next time," Claire advised with a giggle of her own as her boyfriend reached them and wrapped an arm around her waist.

Cook gave her an incredulous look that clearly said, "What're you doing? Why are you leaving her?" when she turned away from them and began making her way back to Cook.

"She's taken, Cook," Emily informed him once she was within earshot, raising her voice to be heard over the pounding of the base.

"So? Couldn't you have distracted the boyfriend for a bit?"

Emily fixed Cook with a steely glare. "No."

Cook rolled his eyes. "I didn't mean like that, don't worry. I know you're overly attached to your muff monkey ways," he grinned throwing an arm around her shoulder. "I meant like dance with him for a bit, yeah?"

"Cook, we've already established that I'm not going to help you steal someone else's girl," Emily said pointedly, hoping that Cook would remember why she was being so adamant about that particular point and shut up about it. She watched realisation dawn across his face.

He nodded firmly. "Yeah. No problem. You're right. Besides, she wasn't really that fit anyway."

Emily relaxed a bit, leaning back more into the comforting arm Cook had wrapped around her.

He was silent for a moment as his eyes drifted around the club. "Right, who's next?"

Emily shrugged. "Your pick, Cook."

Cook was silent a while and Emily took the brief respite to sip on her drink and survey the people around her. There seemed to be a lot of couples out tonight, laughing, dancing, kissing, in some instances more. It made Emily instantly miss her other half. It was probably silly, but she never quite enjoyed herself as much when Naomi wasn't out with her. Being able to share things with Naomi made everything, every experience, better somehow.

"That one," Cook said, and Emily was so lost in her own thoughts that she almost missed it.

"Who?"

"There," Cook stabbed a finger in the direction of a rather busty blonde.

"Cook! Don't point! For fuck's sake. Do I have to be your mother and your wing man?" Emily covered her eyes with one hand and pushed Cook's offending finger down with the other.

Cook threw back his head and laughed, before giving her a little pat on the bum and saying, "Right, then, little lesbian. Go to it. Help me pull."

Emily sighed. _Plus Naomi helps keep Cook in line,_ she thought wistfully before nodding and heading over to the girl in question. "Hi. I'm Emily, and my mate, Cook, thinks you're well fit," she opened heeding the advice she'd been given by Claire.

"Anna. And what mate's that, then?" the blonde introduced herself.

Emily turned and nodded towards Cook who waved and smiled back. Emily watched as Anna pursed her lips and looked Cook up and down.

"He's pretty fit," she nodded her approval.

"Yeah. Definitely fit," Emily agreed, although she really couldn't see much of the appeal herself. There was a definite lack of fine feminine features. "Rock hard abs under that shirt, you know," she added, remembering the number of times she'd heard Katie go on and on about guy's abs.

"I'm more of an arms girl myself, but he seems to have nice arm muscles, too," Anna mused, still looking Cook over.

Emily glanced back at Cook and silently willed him to flex so that he could go home with this girl and she could get back to Naomi. He didn't, of course. He did, however, smile charmingly. "He's a good guy," Emily volunteered. She was aware that she very possibly failed at this whole "talking Cook up" thing, but part of her was still adjusting to the fact that he was one of her best mates, not just a repulsive bloke who constantly made bad lesbian jokes and used dirty innuendos non-stop. She had come to love him, sure, and she knew that, when he wanted to, he could be serious and kind and a good listener. The thing was: he generally wasn't that way with the people he was trying to shag. "Very funny," she added. That, at least, she could say with conviction. He might've been a prick sometimes, but the boy had a decent sense of humour. He was really her go to person if she needed a laugh.

"Yeah?" Anna inquired, and Emily could tell that she was interested.

Emily grinned at her. Maybe this would be it and she could go home, not that she wasn't enjoying Cook's company tonight. "Yeah."

"All right. Call him over," Anna replied, a seductive smile gracing her features. Emily caught her winking out of the corner of her eye and when she turned back to Cook, he was already confidently heading over, thrusting his hips forwards as he walked.

"Hello, love. I'm Cook," Cook beamed, presenting his hand.

"Anna," she returned coyly, taking the offered hand.

Cook kissed it, looked up and said, "So are we gonna go willy waggle now?"

Emily groaned internally and resisted the urge to slap her forehead.

Anna laughed. "You're right! He is funny!"

Emily smiled half-heartedly, but she was well aware that Cook wasn't joking at all.

Cook frowned, clearly confused. "No, really. Shall we?"

Emily watched with fading hope as Anna's face turned from a grin to an expression of disbelief. She tugged her hand briskly out of Cook's and took a step back. "You know, I just remembered, I've got loads of revisions to do tomorrow. I should probably head home. Sorry."

"Revisions? It's fucking Friday night," Cook called, but Anna was already beating a hasty retreat.

Emily sighed when Cook turned to her in confusion and she patted him on the back. "Next time try talking to her for a bit, Cook. Girls like to at least pretend that they need to be wooed, or, at the very least, chased before they're caught."

"I'm not so big on the wooing thing, Emilio man," Cook grinned and threw and arm around her. "Come on. Your pick next."

.

.

Cook apparently wasn't kidding. In one way or another, Cook managed to blow it with the next five girls they picked out. Well, a few of them might not have been _entirely_ his fault as one, it seemed, was only interested in ginger boys (baffling Emily completely), and one turned out to be so ridiculously wasted (and possibly a little crazy) that even Cook would have felt bad taking advantage.

Still, he'd been thrusting his hips and mimicking getting a blowjob to one of the stupid blokes standing near him at the bar when she'd pointed him out to Isabelle; he'd implied that Erin's younger sister was both unattractive and a whore while unaware of the familial connection; and he'd almost hooked Tanya until he caught sight of her friend and suggested she went along to the alley with them as well.

"I give up," Emily threw up her hands. "You've lost your mojo, Cook."

"What? No! The Cookie Monster never loses his mojo! It's the girls at this club. We should try somewhere else tomorrow. This is bollocks. None of them have any fucking sense of taste. I'm a bloody fantastic shag, I am!"

Emily rolled her eyes and shrugged into her jacket that Cook was holding up for her.

They made their way to the exit of the club and stepped out into cool night air. Cook stopped almost immediately to light a fag, and someone almost ran into him from behind.

"Fucking get out of the way! You're practically blocking the door, yeah?" a familiar voice froze Emily in her tracks.

"Katie?"

"Oh, it's you two," Katie greeted them in reply.

"My apologies, Katiekins," Cook half bowed, stepping aside as he shook the match he'd used to light his fag out and took his first drag.

"What are you doing here?" Emily asked.

"Dumping Jason! Fucking wanker! I'm so sick of these stupid kiss-arse boys with small dicks who'll turn around the second they think I'm not paying attention and fucking flirt with anything in a skirt!" Katie vented.

"I'm surprised ten more blokes didn't step up and offer to take his place. You look fucking mint, tonight, Katie," Cook grinned at her, "I can't imagine any guy wanting to flirt with anyone else with you around."

Emily frowned. Apparently Cook had taken the little talk she'd had to give him after the Erin situation about how girls (and their friends and relatives) like to be complimented. She wasn't especially thrilled that he was putting that advice to use on Katie.

Emily caught the faint blush forming on Katie's cheeks and the way she pushed back her shoulders and jutted out her chest a little bit more. _Uh oh_.

"Yeah. Too fucking right," Katie replied with a small grin of her own.

"Are you headed our way, then?" Cook asked, proffering his arm.

"Yes, I am," Katie smiled and took a hold of it.

"Let us walk you, then."

"No," Emily said firmly, catching the almost smug smile that Cook had on his face as he began to walk away with her sister. "No."

Katie looked at her like she had two heads and Cook shot her a questioning look.

"I am not pimping my sister out to you, no matter how much alone time I want with my girlfriend," Emily stated definitively.

Cook pouted and threw his hand over his heart in an overly dramatic way, pretending to be horrible offended.

Katie grabbed her arm harshly and dragged her a short distance away. "You can't pimp me ever to anyone, first of all, and Cook's not so bad. He can be kind of charming...in his own odd way, obviously, but it's been ages since I've had a decent shag, Ems. Like months," she muttered under her breath so that only Emily could hear.

Emily watched somewhat horrified as her sister proceeded to turn her most flirtatious smile on Cook, whose sly grin spread slowly across his face until he was practically beaming back at Katie.

Katie strode confidently back to Cook and once again linked her arm through his. "Shall we?" Katie asked.

"Yes, we fucking shall!" Cook replied enthusiastically.

Emily groaned.

.

.

Emily closed the door behind her and collapsed gratefully in bed beside her girlfriend.

"Was that Katie I heard?" a sleepy-voiced Naomi inquired as she pushed herself up on her elbow a bit, resting her head on her hand.

"I don't want to think about it," Emilly groaned.

"Wait, Cook pulled Katie?" Naomi persisted, waking up a bit and sounding much more entertained than Emily felt the situation deserved.

"They kind of pulled each other after Cook struck out like ten times and we were heading home."

"_Oh, fuck! Katiekins, you have a magic mouth!" _drifted in from down the hall.

Emily pulled a pillow over her head as Naomi laughed. Emily smacked her with the pillow. "Don't laugh! It's not funny! I tried to talk them out of it!"

Naomi continued to laugh. "It's hilarious! It's awesome! Come on, Ems!"

Emily glared. "Shut up! No it's not!"

Emily could tell that Naomi was doing her best to repress her laughter, but she could still feel her girlfriend's body shaking as she giggled.

Naomi stroked her hair. "It's not that bad, really. Cook's a good guy. And they could both use a little love."

"_Ooh! Grab my balls!" _floated into the room.

Emily raised a sceptical eyebrow. "I don't think this has anything to do with love. I told him if I heard him call that, I'd cut his fucking balls off!"

Naomi threw her head back and laughed again, and for a moment, Emily let herself get distracted by the graceful slope of her neck. "Come on, let them have a little fun. They both need someone. "

"Each other, though?"

"Why not?" Naomi shot back.

Emily sighed. "No reason, I guess."

"Plus," Naomi added, leaning over to kiss her tenderly on the forehead, "just think of how much alone time," Naomi paused to wiggle her eyebrows suggestively and place another kiss on Emily's nose, "we'll get if they become a regular thing."

Emily couldn't help but perk up at that. "Yeah, okay." She pulled Naomi to her and kissed her passionately. Besides, she mused, maybe Katie and Cook wouldn't be so bad together. It'd keep both of them out of her hair a bit more, at least. And Naomi was right, they did both need someone.

"Let's give them some competition in the noise department," Naomi growled in a husky voice into her ear, sending a shiver down her spine.

Naomi's hands began to travel down her body and Emily grinned. All in all, she decided, playing Cook's wingman had been a pretty successful night.


End file.
